My Hair's About to Get the Razor

Good morning! How are you today?  Oh, me?  I'm having a nervous breakdown.  Thanks for asking! I still have all my hair, so apparently it's not as bad as Britney's yet, but you never know...

I cried last night.  I didn't cry when my mother got cancer.  I haven't cried in over a year.

I'm just so very, very lonely.

D's job has taken us to a new town, population 20,000.  I am 90 miles from the nearest Target, an hour's drive away from a mall, living in a dry county.

That's right, I said a dry county.

We could have moved anywhere.  Not to brag too much, but D is really, really smart.  Scary smart.   He was recruited by the best residency program in his field -- and he chose a small, unassuming program because he liked the people.  All he wants to be is a small town doc, spend time with his family, and fish.

So here we are.

Don't get me wrong, I love the country.  I wake up every morning and drink my coffee looking out at a horse farm.  Fields of wildflowers, red wing blackbirds starting to build their nests.  I want to live in the country.

But I also liked my old life.  I had friends.  I had people I could call, people I had lunch with, people who liked me even though I am openly and admittedly a bitch. 

And here I have no one.  We've been here almost a year, and I still don't have one friend, unless you count the six year old next door who has adopted me as his second mom.

We did everything you are supposed to do.  We joined a church, I joined committees and did charity work, I take Moonpie to events that other young mothers frequent.

And still, nothing.  People seem totally uninterested in adding a new person to their circle of friends.  Oh sure, they are nice to me, we have lovely superficial conversations and there are many empty promises to take me to lunch or to social events. 

I've been trying so hard to keep it together for D and Moonpie that I'm taking it out on my house, my clothes, and my blog.  My den is yellow, my couch the most horrid couch you have ever seen.  I hate yellow.  I hate the couch.  I have six stained shirts that I rotate everyday.  I hate my hair, which I whacked ten inches off of last summer.  I can't think of anything to write anymore that I don't hate after I've posted it.

I hate that I can't make things work.

And I want this to work.  This is an under served area, an area that deserves a great doctor who really loves and cares about his patients.  It's a marvelous place to be a kid, a place where kids still ride bikes and wander the neighborhood and people give homemade treats at Halloween.   And the ice cream place -- oh my god, you should see this thing, it's fantastic.  Straight out of the 1950's, with $.20 baby ice cream cones and the most decadent ice cream. The line goes around the block almost every evening.

So why can't I be happy? 

Comments

[Erin]

I can sympathize. While I wasn't in a small town, it was one that is notorious for being hard to make friends. Peers would always promise the social events, but they never came about even when reminders were made. It was difficult, at best. I was lonely, even though I had my husband.

Have you thought about inviting them to your home or to lunch, etc? Sometimes they want to make the effort, but don't always have the motivation to take the first step?

[Cat, Galloping]

The difficulty making friends is not, unfortunately, related so much to the fact that the town is small as that it's just really freakin' hard to make new friends. I say that as I realize that I have been in my large suburb of NY for nearly 4 years, and the only one I'd call a reliable friend moved to Michigan last fall. To avoid humiliation, I have to consistently tell myself, "she's just not that into you" because, and I'm going to go against the common wisdom here, and against what comes naturally to me, I've found that playing hard to get is the most reliable way to get people to call. (And I *never* played games when my husband and I were dating.)

I will just add... I don't know how long D's committment is to this place, but I hope that after that time, you will give yourself permission to consider moving. Considering what's best for the community and your husband and your daughter are all important, but you're a person, too, and your happiness matters.

[Jen]

I'm sorry your situation is so crappy. No one ever tells you that making friends as an adult is haaaard!

One thought--I know you done gone & given up on the law, but perhaps you could find some sort of situation where you went into a local office & did a few hours of work a week (while M's at preschool)? It would give you a quasi-social setting, and more interaction with adults, plus maybe a little professional satisfaction?

Best of luck, sweetie.

[Annika]

Oh, I'm sorry. I can relate (in the abstract), and it's awful. I hope things change soon.

[Leggy]

I wish I had some good advice. I've been feeling a bit lonesome here myself and I don't quite know what to do about it. I have read several blogs recently that mention this- too bad we don't all live near each other.

[Jody]

I don't know.

I'm sorry.

90 minutes from Target would slay me.

[Dea]

Oh I'm so sorry. If it helps I'm in the same situation. My husband and I are Canadian, and we moved to Silicon Valley because he's so bloody smart, and this is his mecca, but I can't work here. I have no friends, except for the few people I see weekly in classes or gym. It's lonely and I understand how you feel. It's like you know you should be greatful, but there's something that isn't quite right.

[ashley]

Did you move to Emmett, Idaho? That is where I used to live, (ice cream store and all!) and the place where I sounded as lonely as you do. After about one year things started to turn around. We've moved 8 times in our 10 year marriage and I've found it takes about a year before things settle. I'm hoping dawn is about to rise for you, too, since it's been a year now.

I'm very sorry for your pain.

[Ariella]

I can really sympathize with you. I've never commented here before, but my husband and I moved to the midwest in August. He's a native of the town to which we moved; I am not. Although we have made some friends here, I am utterly, painfully lonely and BORED. I'm an attorney and, due to a confluence of events, have not been able to find a job here. I wish wish WISH we could go back to the East coast where I would not only be able to find a job, but would also have family and friends around... but unless I'm ready to divorce my hubby, I guess I'm stuck here.

I'm sorry for your unhappiness.

[em]

Having moved frequently over the last 10 years I can feel your loneliness ... I spent 2 years in Belgium for my husband's work and because my french isn't fluent I found it very hard to integrate and make new friends.

The best way I've always found to connect is through my children - preschool, school, playgroups etc. Even so it takes time and that is the hardest part of all.

[akeeyu]

It's the couch. Trust me. If you set fire to that couch, you'll be deluged with friends.

[Carmen]

Someone above suggested finding a part time job and I'm seconding it. It would open up more possibilities of connecting with like-minded people. Even if it's not law related it could still work! Or how about doing volunteer work? I'm not talking about charity as I see you've already tried that but an actual job.
(((hugs))))

[Alli]

You need to start a Bunko group. LOL. I'm sorry you're feeling lonely.

[Teri]

I'm so sorry. I know exactly what you mean, only in our family it's reversed -- I got a tenure track job in the humanities in a 3000-person town that was at least 100 miles from the nearest Target. Imagine our rejoicing when they built a shiny new Target only 55 miles away!

But back to the point, six years later we still have few friends other than my colleagues, and most of them live a long commute away, across the border in a state with better schools. Our social life is, well. . . stagnant would be a generous term for it. We are desperately lonely.

We take refuge in the internet, but that's not the same as face to face human interaction. I wish you were close by -- I would invite you over for coffee, and I'd actually follow through.

[Kate]

You will find a friend. I have lived through some lonely, lonely times and just when I thought I was going to lose it I would meet someone I could relate to. I don't have any insightful words for you except to say that even in a town of only 20,000 there is someone to really talk to. There always is. Of course, you could make friends with the local fire department by setting the couch on fire as someone suggested. They are, at the very least, handy people to know.

[Tamsen]

Delurking because I feel the exact same way. I live in a new town, which I moved to with the boyfriend. He and I both have few friends. He has a work friend, and I work only with my fifty year old boss. I have made no friends through work. I went on Craigslist looking for friends (how pathetic) and spend a lot of time by myself, wandering around shops and reading. I've pretty much read everything by this point and am so utterly lonely.

I'm sorry we're both in these predicaments.

[sheilah]

I am right there with you. We have been here for just over one (1) year and I have exactly zero (0) friends.

*sigh* Sucks to be me, I guess.

[Orodemniades]

If it's a tourist area, it may take a couple of years for people to come around.

I know how you feel, though. I spent 10 years in an english-speaking foreign country and I made no friends, not even when I was working (that is to say, I had people over to my house 1 time, and wouldn't see them outside of work). It's hard. But hey, that's what the internet is for.

What's so special about Target?

[Erica]

I'm sorry, Soper! It must be terribly lonely, and I wish all we bloggers lived next door to you. Well, maybe not all shacking up in the same house, but on the same street.

I hope you find some friends soon. Meantime, PARTY AT SOPER'S HOUSE!!!!!

[Eviered]

I totally feel your pain. I recently had to cut ties with my best friend over differences in parenting styles. Even though I know it is the right decision and will save my kids a bunch of heartache, it is tough for me. I had invested a lot in this friendship and really don't have any other friends. I too am lonely, and miss the friendship interaction a lot.

[Miss W]

I'd think you were describing my hometown but for the population thing. We've only got about 3,000 (if you include the local college enrollment). We do have the ice cream shop though...

Small town life can be hard, and I'll be really honest with you: small town doesn't take to newcomers easily. And you will be a "newcomer" for a looooong looooong time. I wish I had something to say to make that easier, but I don't.

I think your best bet is to be the one who does the inviting.

[Shelley]

I've been where you are, and it SUCKS. We'd moved because of my husband's job, and I used to sneak downstairs at night to cry so he wouldn't know (he knew, of course, and said, "you wouldn't be here if not for me," but I hold the trump card -- he is from Europe, and wouldn't be in this COUNTRY if not for me, so I shut that argument down really fast). I remember a special low point was when I drove myself to the emergency room with strep one night because there was no one we could call to sit with my daughter.

It gets better. Not as fast as you want it to, but it does indeed get better. For me, it took about 2 1/2 years... I am so not a joiner, and it was hard, but I got there. Keep doing what you're doing, and I bet you will too.