24.5 Going on 18

Moonpie has been going to play school for two months now. After the first month, she looked up at me and announced that she wanted to take her nap at school (meaning she wanted to go full-time, not just half-days).  After some serious questioning, I realized that she was serious, so we switched her to full days.

She loves it. I’m a little afraid that her teacher does not.

Everyone wants a gifted child. It’s just part of being a parent – you want your child to succeed, you want to see that your kid is not only doing well, but is better than you are. There may be an element of social competition in there as well – look at the seriously driven lady on Julia’s latest posts.

But do you really want a gifted child, or just one that is bright?

Gifted children are stubborn, easily distracted, difficult to discipline and keep entertained.

Precociously gifted children don’t learn to use the toilet and forget to eat.

If you really thought hard about it, you would probably admit that what you really want is a bright child. A child who does well in school, who gets all of the answers right and gets into the right college on a full-scholarship.

What you don’t want is a child who bounces off the walls, spelling and writing her name at two and announcing that her stuffed animals are doing a pas de deux as she spins the cow and kitty down the hall.

I am terrified.

The kid remembers everything. EVERYTHING. She’ll start telling me about an event that happened last July, and if I ask her what color shirt someone was wearing she remembers.

She can read individual letters and numbers now, and is starting to sound out words.

The weather has been very nice the past couple of days, and we have enjoyed drawing on the sidewalk with chalk a lot:

It's either an "A" or a Cyrillic "Д". (She says it's an "A", and drew several more for me on the pavement. I still think it's Cyrillic.).

I’m scared because kids like this have trouble fitting into traditional school settings. She is whizzing through the curriculum at her school, and I think her teacher is at as much of a loss as I am about what to do.

I’m scared because being gifted means nothing outside of school. People who are gifted are no more likely to succeed in life than non-gifted kids. All it means is that they exhibit skills above their age level – and once they reach adulthood and the playing field evens out, a lot of gifted people struggle. They struggle with their identity (like we need that thrown into the mix), they struggle at work when they don’t get the constant praise they are used to, they struggle in relationships.

I don’t know where to go from here. She is learning things that I am not teaching her – she hopped on the big kid swing yesterday and started pumping her legs to swing.

I learned to do that when I was four. When I asked her where she learned to pump her legs, she just started swinging. “Did your teacher show you?” I asked her, to which she replied “No.” “Did you learn it by watching the big kids at school?” “Yep,” she shrugged, and pumped higher into the sky.

Higher and higher, while I just watched her go.

Comments

[sara]

Have you considered a montessori education for her in the future? Both my husband and I were early bloomers, and we were both lucky to be montessori children. We were encouraged in our curiosity, taught math and science early, given a bit of choice in our daily activities, exposed often to nature, and generally supported in learning in a really open and exciting way. I know it made a huge difference in the happy, successful people we became - maybe moonpie might benefit as well.

[victoria]

You know, my oldest child is identified gifted, but he is very few of the things that you listed above. He is very easy to discipline, because he understood consequences from a very early age. I never found him to be easily distracted, or difficult to entertain. He could read chapter books by 3.5, and the world could collapse around him if he is really interested in something and he totally wouldn't notice. He is very well rounded, and is friends with pretty much every one. And my 2 year old daughter is WAY more stubborn than he ever was. I just found that he needed consistency (both in discipline and routine), and we always focussed on social stuff. I didn't care what he was doing in kindergarten,(academically he was exceeding all expectations) as long as he was making friends. Play dates were so important for us in those early years. Before he started in the gifted program, my biggest worry about him was keeping him from being bored. I think that it is hard for a parent to have a gifted child, because they require so much more thought and effort. Good luck as you begin to navigate the world of gifted AND spirited!!

[Dea]

My husband was labeled as giffted as a child, and he's all normal now. Had a normal childhood, normal friends, and now he's married, and has an excellent job. Granted we are both geeky in our own little ways, but it's not like he's socially inept or anything. For reference he could read maps as a toddler and was reading books by age 3....

[Pam]

My oldest daughter taught herself everything and I remember feeling so robbed as a mom. Seriously, she came inside one afternoon and informed her Dad and I that she had learned to ride her bike. Sure you did, we replied. Much to our surprise, we went outside to see and she hopped on her cousin's, two-wheeler without training wheels and took off. She was 3 and knew how to ride a two wheeler. She also taught herself how to tie her own shoes and learn to read. It was sure determination on her part, I'm sure, but she did it.

And yes, she is our strong willed and extremely stubborn child - but she can make us laugh like you wouldn't believe:)

Great post.

[Dead Bug]

I was a peculiar kid in a lot of ways, labeled "gifted" at age three. I started reading at 18 months and doing basic math not much after that. I did have a hard time socially in a lot of ways, since other kids often frustrated me, and I was tremendously stubborn, but by the time I was seven or eight, I had developed enough typical little-girl interests (gymnastics, horses, ice skating, etc.) and interpersonal skills that I was able to make a large group of friends. I hope you can find a way not to worry too much about it for now, and just enjoy the fact that you have a smart, engaged kid--one who obviously takes after her mom ;)

--Bugs

[Tessy]

My 4.5 year old sounds like her. Had a freaky memory at a very early age. Spoke in full sentences at a year old. Taught himself how to add and multiply by age 3. (We never showed him this.) He's way ahead of the other kids in his preschool, but we send him for the social interaction, not "book learnin'." I've wondered how real school will be.

Thing is, he won't shit in the toilet and you really can't make a kid do something like that. With an IQ of 131 (he's been tested) he obviously gets it, but refuses to do it. That part really sucks.

[wavybrains]

I started reading at Moonpie's age and took chapter books with me to kindergarten to read at recess. Needless to say, school was a very mixed bag for me--I loved the work, but socially it was a nightmare. I went to public school in a small town with no real resources though--the one thing that would have made all the difference would have been a private school--I used to read catalogs of boarding schools and pine to be able to go (giving my mother a minor complex). I've since learned that there are many, many good private schools for the gifted. I never did get to go to boarding school (in hindsight, probably a good thing), but I did finally find "my people" in summer programs at colleges, and later at college. You'll help Moonpie find her people and she'll be just fine. I promise.

[K]

Sorry, I think I'm a bit late in commenting on this topic, but I thought it was interesting and wanted to say something.

When I was in second grade, I was given a battery of IQ tests and scored in the "highly gifted" category. In some ways, it's fun being the smart kid in elementary school--schoolwork is usually a breeze, and if you are well-behaved, teachers will love you. At least that's how it was for me. I was constantly showered with praise by my teachers and I loved it. However,--and I will say I'm not sure if this was caused by being gifted or not--it was indeed hard for me to make friends. I was a very shy loner, and in some ways, I still am. Oh, and I did drive my parents nuts--I was a very, very willful, opinionated child. I think I always "knew my own mind," even from a very young age.

Now that I'm older (early 20s), things have certainly changed for me. I remember my teacher's compliments way back in school, how they used to tell me I was sure to be successful, but I have to admit that I have had a little trouble finding my way through life. I got through college and hated a lot of it; so much of my coursework seemed like an utter waste of time, but I managed to graduate with a good GPA. Soon, I may try my luck out in grad school, but we'll see. Growing up, I've always remembered my teachers' words and naively imagined that finding success would be easy, but it hasn't been. Even finding jobs has been tough.

Other than that, I've been leading a pretty normal life. I have some really good friends and a great fiance, etc. If there aren't too many bumps in the road, my fiance and I may get married next year. :)

Overall, though, I would ask that you not worry too much over Moonpie. If you're too nervous about her development, you might make her nervous and uncomfortably self-aware as well. Like any other child, gifted or not, she will have her own struggles in life, but if she is strong with good self-esteem, she'll get through them. If you notice that she has any particular gifts, say, an interest in art or music, DO nurture them, and even try enrolling her in gifted programs--but treat her as a normal child. Make her feel smart and special, but don't overdo it. If there's one thing I wish I could change about my childhood, I would ask that my teachers would have made less of a fuss over me. I hope that doesn't come off as sounding stupid or somewhat arrogant, but it sucks to grow up with so much praise and then wind up feeling so ordinary as you grow older.

Good luck!