Get A Clue

Moonpie is watching Blue's Clues on my computer while I try to write this, so if I spontaneously start referring to my Handy-Dandy notebook and stop to look pensively at the camera after asking you a question, you know why.

Did you know that Steve left because he was balding, and that he shaved his head and put out an indie record?  I don't think I'll ever be ever to sing the "We just got a letter" song again without cracking up.

Several people asked me "how do you handle meeting a person who is obviously disabled when you are with a child?"

I can't speak for the entire disability community, but these are the things I would recommend:

1.  Remember, first and foremost, that people with disabilities are just that.  People.  With disabilities.  People first, disabled second.  When a disabled person wakes up, they don't think "I'm blind.  How will I ever get through my day?"  No, they think "Shit, I've got to pee" just like the rest of the world. 

It's all about shifting your paradigms.  What is "normal" to you is not normal to them.  They don't focus on what they don't have, but on what they do have, just like you do. 

When you meet someone who has a disability, DO NOT focus on the disability.  They don't.  Make eye contact, shake their hand (if possible) and have a pleasant conversation about something inane, just like you would with anyone else.  Just like it is rude to point out that someone is overweight, or of a different race than you, or whatever, it is rude to focus on a disability.  If you are an adult, you should know better.

Which brings us to number two:  How do you handle a child's questions?

Answer them.  Simply, directly, and in terms the child can understand.  When you shush your child, or skim over the truth, you are teaching your child that a disability is something to be ashamed about.  That being different is a negative thing, instead of just part of life.  You will not embarrass the person in question, because they know that the world can see the disability.  They just don't focus their lives on it.  They know a child is just that -- a child.  Children are exempt from the rules of social behavior because they are still learning them.

So tell a child the truth:  "That is called a wheelchair.  People use wheelchairs to help them get around when their legs don't work very well, because they were sick or got hurt."  Then go on with whatever you are doing, whether it is walking down the street or interacting with the person.

Later, bring it up again.  Let your child ask more questions if they want to, and then, THIS IS IMPORTANT, teach your child why we don't point out obvious differences in people.  BECAUSE IT IS RUDE.  I don't get upset because people are asking questions about Moonpie, I get upset because they are rude, and they are adults, and they should know better.

I really do hand out cards, by the way.  I figure that if they are going to be rude enough to point out a disability in a child who is just trying to play on the playground like the rest of the kids, then I will let them know it is rude.  In a nice way, because I'm Southern and more polite than that.

Here is what the cards say:

Just kidding.  They say "Fuck you, Please."  Because otherwise, that would just be rude.

Thanks for doing your part, you sure are smart! You know with me and you, and my dog Blue, you can do...ANYTHING...that you want to do!

Comments

[Carmen]

Very well put, Soper. The part about disbaled folks AND the card. ;-)

[Liza]

Hahaha...I just ordered some "What you are seeing is autism" cards, you know, that explain that my kids aren't spoiled or poorly-parented or naughty if they're freaking out in public and someone is staring or asks a stupid question or offers unsolicited advice. I like yours, though. Maybe I'll carry a few of those, too, for special cases. One of the many joys (ahem) of having a kid with CAPD is that my oldest speaks VERY, VERY LOUDLY and therefore asks questions about the disabled VERY, VERY LOUDLY too. I generally answer them as you described, because with my kids, they're really just not going to stop asking until you've given them a satisfactory answer, and "we'll talk about it later" or "shhhh STOPIT" just isn't going to get the desired result--it'll only make them louder and more insistent. So we talk. "That man is steering his wheelchair with the tube in his mouth because he can't do it with his hands; that way he can still move around even though his arms and legs don't work," or "that lady doesn't have an arm on that side, either because it got hurt really badly in an accident or because it was sick or because she was born that way," and if the person in question has overheard the child or seems to be listening, I'll add on "just like your brain is different and makes you talk loud, and I have to remind you to use your inside voice, and just like you don't like me to do that in front of your friends, that person probably doesn't like you asking questions about how they are different right in front of them." I've gotten a couple of "that's right!" and "thank you" responses, which make ME feel self-conscious, because I feel like I'm only doing what any parent SHOULD do in that situation, not something particularly extraordinary (and hopefully not unusual, either). I've also gotten some dirty looks. With my one child who used to have an NG-tube taped to one cheek, I explained it to people constantly, and was then very impressed one day when a child asked their mother what that tube in the baby's nose was for and my four-year-old answered "the baby has a really sore throat, and that tube puts the milk right in their belly so they can grow and it won't hurt." As they get older, I am encouraging my kids to help explain things simply to others; honestly part of me feels like teaching them to say "that's a rude question," but I think it's ultimately better that they learn to speak up for themselves and remind people that they are more than just their differences, that they hear the remarks and understand them.

[Lisa]

Thank you for answering. I do my best to answer my daughter's questions but, you know, I never thought to try and teach her not to ask the questions. Or to wait to ask the questions when we are at home or at least to ask them quietly. I guess I still have a lot to learn! Luckily my daughters are only 3 and 1 so I still have time to teach them and me a few (million) things.

[Vanessa]

I want 500 of those cards please!!! Peeing my pants at work. Good thing I'm getting a new chair! Soper - I'm new to your blog, found it right after you came back and I love it.
My husband and I are at the fork in the road regarding adoption, and it's helpful to have someone so honestly talk about her experience, the before and the after. I really appreciate your openness.

And those freakin' cards!!

[Tamsen]

My father is disabled and in a wheelchair when he leaves our house. He (and our family) always appreciated it when people would get down to his level, crouching, to make the extra effort to say hello or to talk.

I think what you said and what Liza said is absolutely spot on. Children are inquisitive; they should learn about why the man is in a wheelchair and definitely ALSO why it is rude to point out differences.

Also, I love the card. ;)

[baggage]

I love the cards, and the pawprint is just hilarious. I think I really need some of those.

[jenex]

Great post, and love the cards. Also, THANK YOU SO MUCH for getting the Blue's Clues song stuck in my head now. Geez.

[deborah]

hysterical. people are just stupid. I can't even begin to tell you what stupidity I need to deal with about my daughter today. I'll say this: She lives in a group home; wears a pull-up, and someone was turned in for neglect for her having feces in it!!!! DUH! Idiots. Seriously, I need a few of those cards on days like today.