Roulette

There is a rumor in the Kazakh adoptive community that the region where Moonpie was born (Kostanay) is closing (or is closed) to international adoption.  The director of the Delphin baby house, Dr. Irina, apparently retired this past Spring, and her replacement is either bowing to political pressure or has an agenda to stop international adoptions.  

I was talking about this yesterday and Moonpie overheard the discussion.  "Oh," she said, looking sad, "that means all my friends in the baby house won't find mommies and daddies."

That was my knee jerk reaction as well -- if it weren't for Westerners, would many of those children ever escape the orphanage system?  But in reality, that isn't true.  Healthy infants are and will continue to be adopted within the country by Kazakh citizens (who adopt for free, by the way.  Think of that when you are writing that $30K check to your agency).  

But what about the "special needs" kids?  Is closing an entire region in their best interest?

When D and I started the adoptive process, I wanted a neurologically healthy live baby, under a year of age.  I had lost at least three pregnancies at that point, and a live child was my main criteria.  Neurologically sound was my second.  Everything else at that point was negotiable, so I guess I have to admit that I was always open to a special needs adoption.  The fact that I was willing to accept a child with special needs wasn't really the grand leap it seemed at the time -- on some level I was always ready to parent a child who wasn't completely "normal."  Now, four years later, I have two special needs kids, a child with Ichthyosis and a child allergic to milk.* 

So I recognize that it's irrational when I get irritated with the PAPS** on chat boards who want only healthy babies, are there healthy babies in Kazakhstan, I really want a healthy baby girl, are there healthy baby girls available and how fast can I go get one?  Of course those people are entitled to want a healthy child.  I wanted a healthy child.  Everyone wants a healthy child. 

But what about the kids who aren't?  Will those families hurry off to different regions, different countries, if only special needs children are available?  I think of Moonpie's future without me, shuttled to an orphanage for kids with special needs at the age of four, sore and itching with her skin flaking off because lotion is too expensive to offer her, all the while smiling somehow in her irrepressible sunny way, gently tucking in the FAS kids and helping wipe the cerebral palsy child's face clean for the mamachkas.   Shunned and tossed aside when she aged out of the orphanage system, left to beg on the streets, a social pariah because she happened to be born with a genetic illness that makes her have dry skin. 

I wonder how anyone could think that that life would be better than life with me?  How could anyone make the decision to close a region for those kids? To take a child who doesn't quite fit the definition of healthy and condemn them to half a life?  Each one of those children has something to give, and deserves a chance to do so.  Babe Ruth, Marilyn Monroe, Alexandra Dyonysievna Danilova, and even Leo Tolstoy were all orphaned as children.  Where would our world be without their contributions?  Where would we be if they hadn't been given a chance? 

I hope this is all just unsubstantiated rumor, that the region isn't closing, that every Kazakh child available for adoption finds a home regardless of where that home may be.  That you will look in your heart and see that there is room for child there who doesn't quite fit your definition of perfect.  That you will realize special needs doesn't mean intellectually deficient, it just means parenting with a little more work.

Most of all, I hope that all mothers find children, and all children find mothers.

* You don't think food allergies are special needs?  Seriously? Have you ever tried cooking for a kid with food allergies?  They put milk in hot dogs.  They put milk in everything.

** Prospective Adoptive Parents

Comments

[Elle]

Excellent point Soper. Since Russia developed a monetized foster care/adoption system the number of "healthy" children had dramatically decreased. The remaining are the "unwanted" children. Russians don't want them, Americans don't want them. They are left to languish. The unfortunate part is that the majority of the special needs children are those with neurological issues (FAS, Cerebal Palsy, Autism).

We do what we can by raising and sending money each year to our son's orphanage. The goal is to hopefully one day establish an inexpensive therapy program for the children in the orphanages.

[Melissa]

My son is allergic to corn and eggs, so your comment about an allergic kid being special needs didn't make me bat an eyelash.

[SarcastiCarrie]

We had the milk thing and the cooking part was OK, but the "Please don't feed that to my kid thing" was enough to send me over the edge with the grandparents (and this wasn't even a life-threatening allergy...just more annoying). I would have preferred if people thought of it as special needs because then maybe they'd realize that, yes, cream cheese really is dairy.

[pixi]

>>That you will realize special needs doesn't mean intellectually deficient, it just means parenting with a little more work.

Exactly. I learned that through experience. It is oh so true.

[Nan]

This past weekend at the beach (last gasp up here!) my sister leaned over to me while watching N run around with his dad and various dogs and said "I often wonder what his life would be like if he didn't have all of us to love him."

I had heard the rumors about Delphin & Kostanai, and haven't heard from our coordinator in months. Sad and frustrating that the focus isn't on finding good homes (wherever they may be) for all the children. The thing about the PAPs who want a *healthy* *baby* *girl* *NOW* is (as I often told myself) that there are chances with any type of 'pregnancy' - things that can't be controlled, and outcomes all over the map. If the goal is to become a parent, you have to accept the fact that it's kind of a crap shoot, not a controlled experiment.

As for food allergies and special needs - yup. We're going in for a flu shot this morning...to be administered by the allergist over the course of about 2 hours. Why, you ask? Because flu vaccines (and a host of others) are cultured in an egg base. Try explaining that to a child who can't understand why you're letting someone stick him with a needle THREE TIMES.

[Lut C.]

You're right, closing off an entire region is not a good deal for all.

You paint a grueling and probably true picture. I feel guilty for not adopting, but it's not in the frame right now (or probably ever). Then again, if we were to adopt only out of a savior idea, that would be doomed to go wrong. (I'm just responding to this particular post, not suggesting this was your main motivation!)