More Irate Letters From Soper

Dear Guy From High School:

Thank you for trying to "friend" me on Facebook.  I must admit I was quite surprised to see your request, since in High School you never spoke to me once. Not once.  Not a single time.  You did not say "hello" to me in the hall, did not help me with my lunch tray that time I dropped it right in front of your table, did not, in fact, ever even acknowledge that I existed.  Wait, there was that time on the class trip you and your friends tried to film me naked through my hotel window, which I keep expecting to see pop up on YouTube someday, but other than that, you did a pretty good job pretending that I had the power of invisibility.  Which if I did, man, would my story be different.  I might discover a life of crime, like this guy.  Although if I had the intelligence to teach myself how to fly not one but like five different kinds of planes, I would probably also teach myself to land them.

Anyway, all that has me wondering why now.  Why sixteen years after graduation (and that one art show four years ago where I stood right next to you in the drink line and you, surprise, didn't acknowledge me) why now you have suddenly decided I am either hot enough, or cool enough, or ... what?  Talented enough?  Rich enough?  Are you so ridiculously juvenile that you really think people look at the number of "friends" you have and make some sort of correlation with your personal worth?  Or was it the red lipstick I am wearing in my profile picture?

It was the red lipstick, wasn't it?

Sadly, I will not be "friending" you back.  I will not, despite my urge to tell you off, write you a scathing message in response.  I will, in fact, take my cue from your behavior towards me and pretend you just don't exist, and that none of this ever happened.

And if you do post that naked film of me, I want a cut. 

Fake hugs and kisses, etc. etc.

---- Soper

Comments

[Kelly]

Isn't it amazing the people that come out of the woodwork on Facebook? I can't believe the people who have tried to "friend" me, who were total jerks to me in HS. Just because I was an individual in HS, everyone thought I was "weird." I have had several people say that they are would like to get to know me, that they thought I was "cool" then, but couldn't be seen with me because of what everyone else thought. Like that's going to make me be your friend? Delete, delete, delete...

[Rachael]

I the ignore button on FB!

[Rachael]

That was supposed to say:

I < heart > the ignore button on FB!

[Sue]

Diggin' the new banner and admiring your restraint.

[B]

Maybe it's because he's grown up some since high school. I know I have.

[Orodemniades]

Love the new header!

And isn't FB weird like that?

[Erin]

I hit "ignore" on a friend request the other day and felt incredibly smug. Then I also blocked the person. I actually regretted doing that since I would have liked the person to try to friend me again, just so I could have the pleasure of clicking ignore yet again.

[Lisa]

I accepted a friend request from an old boyfriend. Our breakup was HORRENDOUS -- like in I'm still feeling the effects 20+ years later -- and I mainly accepted the request to look at his pictures and see if he'd gotten fat and/or bald. Or if his wife was fat and/or bald. He hadn't, the piece of shit, and was divorced and apparently cutting a wide swathe through the 40-something single ladies of Central Illinois.

He wrote me a nice note about growing up and changing and blah blah blah remorse-cakes and I was all nostalgic and "oh people can change."

Then he made an obnoxious comment on a status update of a friend we both have in common and it all came ROARING back. Pig. I unfriended him the second I read it 'cause dude, I don't need that. There was a REASON he's not in my life anymore.