I Can't Believe I'm Actually Reading These Books

Re: Twilight

Dear Bella:

Men who climb into your room at night and watch you sleep are not romantic. They are stalkers.  Also, you are kissing a dead guy. Who wants to eat you.  That is not romance, that will get you your own chapter in the DSM.  Right next to the picture of Princess Leia as the poster child of Bipolar Disorder.   Do you really want to be known as that girl?  Also, put on some blush. It's not healthy to be that pale.

Sparkles!

Soper

Re:  New Moon

Dear Bella:

Remember the talk we had about stalkers?  Well, a man who is willing to leave you and never call, not once, even though his sister is able to see the future and must know that you are hanging out with werewolves is a jerk.  A JERK.  And he is cold.  You seem to end up wet and freezing a lot. I'm not sure you really need to be in a relationship with a guy who has to put a blanket between you so he doesn't turn you into a Popsicle.  At least the werewolf is warm, and you can always buy him new pants in bulk at Costco.  Also, Bella, honey, if you aren't willing to commit to somebody in marriage, then maybe you aren't ready to be IMMORTAL and live with him forever. Forever is a lot of laundry, dear.  And blood stains are hard to get out of clothes...  

Team Jacob!

Soper

Re: Eclipse

Dear Bella:

I am only a few chapters into this one, but already I have to stop and remind you of our first conversation.  Darling, stupid Bella, if a man rips out part of your car so you can't go visit a friend, that is not romantic.  That is abusive.   Let's review the signs of an abusive boyfriend:

1. Does your partner act jealous of your friends, family, or co-workers?
2. Does your partner check-up on you by calling, driving by, or getting someone else to?
3. Has your partner gone places with you or sent someone just to "keep an eye on you"?
4. Does your partner insist on knowing who you talk with on the phone?
5. Does your partner blame you for his problems or his bad mood?
6. Does your partner get angry so easily that you feel like you're "walking on eggshells"?
7. Does your partner hit walls, drive dangerously, or do other things to scare you?
8. Have you lost friends or no longer see some of your family because of your partner?
9. Does your partner accuse you of being interested in someone else?
10. Does your partner read your mail, go through your purse, or other personal papers?
11. Has your partner sold your car, made you give up your license, or not repaired your car?
12. Does your partner threaten to kill you or himself if you leave?13. Is your partner like "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde," acting one way in front of other people and another way when you are alone?

Bella, honey, you don't need to be a vampire. You need to call a safe house and get out of this relationship.  You are dating  a man who (1) lied to you, (2) refuses to let you see your friend, (3) monopolizes your time so you can't have any friends he doesn't approve of, (3) follows you and gets his sister to spy on you, and (4) sneaks into your house at night to watch you sleep.  

Jacob would never do that to you. 

Still on Team Jacob!

Soper

Comments

[JustLinda]

And for a guy who can read minds, and often does read the minds of everyone in Bella's life, then how in the world could he not have discovered that she was not dead? Geez. If you're going to commit yourself to a vampire, pick a smarter one, ya know?

[Ewokmama]

You are hilarious! The abusive boyfriend in the books has always disturbed me...

[Sarah in Ottawa]

I completely agree. I find that most adult women tend to belong to Team Jacob - he's fun! He's a bit reckless and immature, but he doesn't want to harm her and irreversibly alter her person. Gah. Edward sucks.

[Cat]

Just wait till you compare them shirtless in the second movie. That's what turned ME to Team Jacob. I'm still recovering from seeing Edward's pasty chest.

[Carolyn]

I forwarded this to like...a million people. LOVE IT.

[HubeiMama]

Oh dear God, I'm actually going to have to read the books now. My interest is finally piqued.

[Brandy]

You must like it because you're reading number 3.... :)

[Orodemniades]

See, this is why I just watch the movie(s). Is it so bad that I enjoyed Twilight?

[Martha]

I love you. Seriously, you are awesome. I read these partly as an experiment, party to survive my back going out, and partly to understand what the hoopla was about. You articulated what I disliked. I felt like I was on crack because I wanted to know where the author was going with it, but I couldn't deal with Bella at all.

[Kate]

Thank you.
Seriously, Thank you.

This is all I've thought since I started reading this books and I've never been able to put it into words quite the way that you have.

Thank you.

[Nancy]

Teehee too funny, you have to read this as well; I nearly peed my pants! I read all of the books, but don't really like to admit it!!

http://www.cracked.com/funny-36-twilight/

Happy New Years!!!

[Andrea]

Yes. That is just . . . yes. Everything you said. Exactly. THAT.

[Hawkeye]

This made me laugh so hard, thanks Soper!!!

[Spacemom]

Soper,

Thanks. I loved the books, but that was the young teen in me. As I review them as an adult, I see that Edward is a very abusive person and Jacob is just eff'd up.. Seriously....

[PiquantMolly]

Things you will enjoy:

http://microsuede.blogspot.com/2008/11/movie-review-twilight.html

http://microsuede.blogspot.com/2009/11/movie-review-twilight-saga-new-moon.html

[Kelly]

When Twilight first came out, my oldest daughter was 13, she wanted to read the book, but I decided I should read it first to make sure it was "okay" for her. She loved them, and now we have both read all of them.

When I read them, I kept thinking to myself what a player Bella was, and how stupid she was. She was keeping both of those boys on short leashes.

You summed it right up.

And for a funny short version of New Moon, check this out...

http://www.jennsylvania.com/jennsylvania/2009/11/new-new-moon.html

[Alli]

I was on Team Jacob for the entire series!! I still think Bella made the wrong choice. LOL

Just finished The Host by the same author. Nothing to do with Vampires. I thought it was good.